Navigating Regret as a Caregiver
Written by Tricia Wallace, RCC, MACP, MSN,
The conflict and pain felt by caregivers are often related to regret. Regret emerges when we think the outcome of a decision, action, or event would have been better if we made a different choice.
Despite being thought of as a universally negative emotion, regret can teach us how to do things better.
Guilt and regret often coexist.
Xiaolu Zhang and colleagues report they differ in that guilt involves harm solely to others and regret results from perceived harm to oneself and to others. Given the amount of self-sacrifice and decision-making involved with caregiving, regret is a powerful experience to explore.
In his publication The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, author Daniel Pink offers an excellent review of regret and shares practical approaches to addressing it. Pink outlines four categories of regret:
Foundational Regrets – if only I had done the work
Boldness Regrets – if only I had taken the risk
Moral Regrets – if only I had done the right thing
Connection Regrets – If only I had reached out
These can be applied to caregiving in the following ways:
Foundational Regrets
Foundational regrets can go unnoticed for extended periods and then be realized with seismic impact. The lack of attention to a healthy lifestyle, due to denial or focus on ease in the present, can cause regret when an illness is diagnosed. Regret can also deepen when discovering alternatives well past the time the information was needed. Caregivers can compare their decisions based on knowledge gained in support groups or in conversations and say, “I didn’t even know that was available. I should have done more research!”
Boldness Regrets
Boldness regrets relate to risk-taking. Daniel Pink notes regrets about inaction outnumber regrets about action by 3:1. Yet, healthcare decisions comparing risks with benefits are often clouded by personal circumstances and illness processes that are uncertain. Caregivers have to use the information available in the moment to make decisions that can have a lasting impact. The emotional gravity of these decisions is overlooked in healthcare settings. Witnessing the outcome of inaction on the part of their care partners who refuse treatments can also be extremely stressful for caregivers and leads to regret.
Moral Regrets
Moral regrets for caregivers are linked with guilt after reactions born from extreme fatigue, frustration, and overwhelm, including sarcasm, withholding, and angry behaviour. Regret can emerge when the impact of that guilt is explored. Caregivers may feel as though they have no choice to address their personal needs because the vulnerability of their partner takes precedence. Thus, even thinking about one’s needs can be interpreted as a bad thing that people regret doing and say, “How can I complain when my partner is in so much agony?”
Connection Regrets
Connection regrets refer to missed opportunities to build or repair relationships. For caregivers, these regrets often involve having to make hard choices between their care partner and their friends or family, leading to what Pink calls drifts and riffs. How do you leave behind your loved one to have fun with others? When reaching out after an extended period without contact, the awkwardness people expect to be present is outweighed by the benefits of reconnecting. This is important for caregivers who are urged to develop and maintain strong and diverse support networks in order to cope better with loss.
Counselling Strategies to Address Regret
Daniel Pink shares strategies to address regret. The ‘relive and relieve’ strategy allows the caregiver to express, and share details of the regret so that it can be ‘normalized and neutralized’ as an emotion that guides learning.
Private counselling provides space to explore personal experiences before sharing with friends or support groups which can sometimes increase a sense of regret if conflicts are still raw and the caregiver starts comparing situations.
Self-compassion is also high on the list. In counselling, a caregiver may be asked to speak to themselves the way they speak to others, reviewing the challenges and hardships involved when making decisions, addressing competing personal needs in healthcare contexts. ‘Undoing it’ directly addresses problems associated with regret. This includes naming ways to improve communication, starting with self care and respite. The message to caregivers being: you deserve to give yourself more emotional and physical space. Counselling might also refer to a process of balanced thinking that focuses on good or neutral outcomes.
Once regrets have been explored and processed, caregivers might consider making a ‘failure resume’ purposely defusing the power of unexpressed regret, and they can confidently share the topic of regret with their support groups.
