Seeking Out Calm Through Co-Regulation
When our body is searching for stability, sometimes another person is the best thing.
Picture this: you wake up to a blaring alarm, groggy from a rotten sleep, knowing that you have a full day ahead. Breakfast is a lukewarm coffee, traffic cannot be worse, and as you rush through the door of your job, a co-worker says, “we got a huge problem.”
I don’t know about you, but just reading this scene makes my stomach churn and brings a lump to my throat. This scene plays out across the Lower Mainland and may be a familiar pattern in the lives of a loved one or your own. In times like these, there is an inherent need to look inward – rely on calming techniques that we have picked up in our life or fall-back on some key lessons from our childhood.
Close your eyes, count to three, and take deep breaths.
All great methods for self-regulation, but sometimes this is not enough. When a loved one gets to such a high stress point, they cannot bring themselves back to stable ground. At this point, you can be an amazing help through co-regulation.
The Basics of Co-Regulation
A simple definition for co-regulation is the affect of one person’s care and demeanor on another through just their presence. It sounds kind of like magic, but think about when you are feeling tired, down, or drained; is there a person in your life that just being with them brings a smile to your face? For some it is their parents or trusted guardians, for others a long-time friend, and others turn to a partner or spouse. Regardless, those with who we build a strong attachment become a way to come to stability.
How Can You Be a Co-Regulator For Others?
When someone comes to you in a dysregulated state, a common response is to problem solve or join in the emotion to show support. This is not the most conducive to creating a sense of co-regulation. The best thing about this process is that it is built upon something that you already have; a sense of caring for those you love. What you build on top of that caring is a couple of strategies that help to amplify that caring.
1. Eye-contact – Much like any conversation, keeping eye-contact is important in showing your loved one that you are listening and that their words are being heard.
2. Listen with heart – You want to hold space for this important person in your life and give them a chance to speak their mind and soul. That is hard to do when you are thinking about what to say next or interjecting. Be the listener first.
3. Responding with empathy – When you do speak, you don’t want to admonish or “egg on” the emotion. Instead, use simple statements in a calm voice such as “That sounds so difficult” or “Wow, you have gone through so much.” These show your loved one that they are heard and that you are there with them.
All of these behaviours create a connection between you two to allows you to co-regulate; your calm nature brings them back to a sense of stability.
What If You Need a Co-Regulator?
Knowing how to do this for someone else is fantastic, but don’t forget that you need someone to reciprocate this, too! When you are feeling off-kilter because of stress or loss, you can reach out those in your life with which you feel a sense of caring.
If the problem seems too large or complex for those relationships, turning to a professional can be the best step. Finding a trained counsellor who works with your needs can grant that peace of mind and caring nature to allow you the space to process what is going on.
